November 25th, 2008
A few days ago, here in China, I was asked to do something that would put any and all persuasive talents to the test. A couple I know were in the midst of a major fight – and both of them are extremely stubborn.
The night before the woman in the relationship said she wanted a divorce. I told the man not to worry, that she would change her mind if he did as I advised.
“Aah, but you don’t know my wife,” he said. “She is more stubborn than the most stubborn person you know. If you think Chinese people are stubborn, you’ve seen nothing.”
“Don’t think that way,” I said. “Right now there is a lot of fire between you. First you must put out the fire. You do this BEFORE you talk to her. Otherwise both of you will get burned.”
“I know what you’re trying to say,” he said. “But it won’t work.”
“Yes, it will,” I replied. “You must change the way you see HER before you speak. Don’t see her as stubborn or unwilling to bend. Tell her you’re sorry for the trouble, tell her you love her, ask for forgiveness and I think she will see that you want to work this out.”
“Okay, I will try.”
Three hours later, I called my friend. No change.
We had dinner together that night. He had tears in his eyes and on his cheeks as we talked.
“Some relationships cannot be worked out,” I said. “Some times it is better to go your separate ways. But many can be worked out if you’re willing to lose face. In China, this whole “face saving” thing interferes with relationships. Forget face. This is not about face. This is about getting what both of you probably want – deep down.”
Several hours later the man called me. He asked me if I would intercede and talk to his wife.
“But what can I say,” I said. “This is not my business. You think she will listen to me if she won’t listen to you.”
“I think you can try,” he said.
“I will do what I can,” I replied.
Although I was not in need of a shower or change in clothing, I jumped under the hot water and got clean anyway. I went into my bedroom to get dressed. At first I reached for the clothes I was already wearing. But upon touching them some sort of guidance told me “no” – to put on something totally fresh.
I carefully selected the pants, shirt and shoes I would wear. As well as what bracelet. I had jade, blue coral, Tibetan agate, obsidian and a few other bracelets.
I chose the obsidian.
While making all these decisions I kept asking what was the right thing to say to obtain the result needed.
“Don’t think about what to say,” I was subconsciously instructed. “Just keep the picture of this relationship being healed and all will work out.”
I left my home and walked to the couples abode. Minutes later I rang their doorbell.
The wife answered and invited me in. She was on the phone with someone else, talking as if all was well. I took a seat on the couch and patiently waited for her conversation to end.
When she hung up the phone she took a seat on a chair to the right of me – a good ten feet away. Lots of distance.
Making minimal eye contact – common in China when having a dispute – I began to speak in Chinese. In fact, I spoke the entire time in Chinese as this lady knows only two or three words of English.
This is not a job I wish on anyone.
A few minutes into the conversation, out of the corner of my eye I saw her wipe a tear. I pretended not to notice.
I rolled from one story to the next, assuring her that her husband not only loved her, but was crying over dinner when we spoke. I said, “It is rare for me to see a Chinese man cry. This was a first for me.”
Toward the end I advised her as follows:
A. In a divorce, in almost all cases, there are no winners. Only losers. Consider this deeply.
B. I believe it is time for you to do three things:
a. Relax your body.
b. Breathe deeply.
c. Take a step back and observe.
I got up to leave. Just before walking out the door, though, I turned to her and said, “So, it is okay for him to come in and talk to you now, right?”
I watched her eyes shake. A series of negative mental pictures shattered inside her head.
“Mei shir. Keyi,” she said. Meaning, “No problem. He can.”
If I hadn’t asked this question, just before leaving, all my efforts may have been in vein.
I walked back to where the husband was waiting and gave him the news. He bowed in gratitude and thanked
The couple met ten minutes later and all was well.
When a couple begins to quarrel, it’s not so much the words that matter but the energy within the mental pictures that are being exchanged. This energy leaves your body and begins to attack the other person. It doesn’t just remain in your own mind. If it did, then why can you walk in a room and feel the vibration left behind, positive or negative, from whomever was their last.
There are some relationships that need to come to an end. Some people are better off separated and divorced. But many people are not – and they have a chance to heal the wounds if they’ll douse the fire before talking; if they’ll relax, breathe and take a step back.
Never think the other person cannot be persuaded. No matter how stubborn someone may be, there is always a chance that he or she will open up if you SEE him doing so. Your image of the person you’re speaking to holds more persuasive power than anything else you think or do.
When it comes to your financial situation, the same rules apply. Relax, breathe and take a step back to observe what you’ve been doing. This gives you the space to change what you’re doing.
Without space, you cannot see what you’re doing right or what you’re doing wrong. You cannot see how things can be different, no matter who the president is, no matter what your past or previous setbacks.
Step back from the hypnosis fed to you by the media each day. Become the miracle you truly are by refusing to let anyone or anything put you into a trance.
Get up off the deck, dust yourself off and see the possibilities lying before you.
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